I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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