You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's always time for handjobs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
