i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
