I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
