Jerry, you need to find god
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
