my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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