I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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