at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
