Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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