Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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