my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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