I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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