So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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