Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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