got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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