My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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