Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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