i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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