so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
