I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
