I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
