He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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with great strapon comes great responsibility.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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