a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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