Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am spending my child support on dildos
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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