I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
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Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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