I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
