I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
