So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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