Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
