I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
