I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
