Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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