Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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