I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
