I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
