i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
