Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
