I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he puts the penis in happiness.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
