yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
