I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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