You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
