omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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