I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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