I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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