Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm getting married
To pizza
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
