i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
