What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
