What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You took a bar mat shot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
