My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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