I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
