Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
