you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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