Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
