Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize