I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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