just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
