yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
