I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
