I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
