Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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